Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He shit in the fireplace
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
