i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
