never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Enjoy the penises
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
