I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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