i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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