Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
