just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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