connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
