what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
