Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
