I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I looked at my own cervix.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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