I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
