She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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