im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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