I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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