At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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