I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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