I wish I only lived at night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
