DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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