Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
