who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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