Cold hands, warm shart.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
