he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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