I wanna passion pit in your ass
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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