so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
