it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
