If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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