I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
