I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
