the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
