just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
