Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
