Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
