You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
