PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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