dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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