genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
