Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
