Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
