I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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