Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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