im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
