Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
