im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
