Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
