I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
