I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
