C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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