I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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