I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
