Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
