Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
